it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
