We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
