i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
