I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm both gender and math confused
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
