his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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