my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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