I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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