hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
