I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
