I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
