Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
