We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
