um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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