I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
