Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
