i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
