I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
