it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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