Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
