Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
