We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
