I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
