So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
