Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
