I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
