I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
