matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
