I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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