I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
