Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My penis needs a shock collar
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
