I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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