I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
