Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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