porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
