she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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