update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
