I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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