I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
