I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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