Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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