and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
