OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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