i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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