Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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