I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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