The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
