does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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