So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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