Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
