at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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